I turn 30 tomorrow. It's almost one of those years you have to fully write out - thirty. Thirrrrty. The end of one life chapter; the culmination of lessons learned on the way to true adulthood. I read once that the pathway to true adulthood begins not at 18 but at thirty. It's the journey through your 20's that paves the way for who you will become - it's when many of life's hardest lessons are learned. Perhaps I'm taking it all way too seriously. That's what any non-spiritual or boring or non-self-actualized person would think. Being overly serious about life in general has been something I've grappled with over the years. The introspective part of my soul, however, knows it's just time to sit back and think about what it all means. I can't let this milestone pass me by without reflection and trying to just figure out, in a general sort of way, what it all meant.
I've had some of the best years of my life within the last decade and some of the worst. I always said my 20's felt like an extended adolescence...but with much more responsibility and bills. I've always been the "late-bloomer" of my group and I guess in a way I still am. It's taken me ten years to truly figure out who I am, to be able to stand on my own two feet as a truly strong, independent and centered person. I've always been good at faking it - my esoteric ways made everyone think I was this take-no-shit and show-no-emotion type of person. I was weak inside though for such a long time - looking back I understand I had to go through what I went through in order to have the experiences that would re-shape my perception of Self and instill me with the true meaning of strength. (The turning point in of my 20's came the day I broke up with my ex-fiancee - it was the catalyst into adulthood. I will never, ever forget that whole period and I wouldn't wish what I felt on even my worst enemy. Not that I really have any, but I digress.) It's not about what you do in the external realm of the world - it's how you handle life within yourself. It's taking the time to delve deep into the recesses of your soul that may frighten you or make you uncomfortable - it's holding yourself up to the mirror of emotions, ingrained thoughts, past events and habitual reactions that lie dormant. However, the irony of such dormancy is how those things gnaw at you until you bring them forth, accept them, deal with them and heal.
Perfectionism.
People-pleasing.
Ignoring my emotions.
Fear of rejection.
Not knowing / expressing my boundaries and values.
Emotionally distant relationship with my father.
Volatile relationship with my mother.
Searching for "happiness" through a relationship or by being perfect.
Eating disorder.
Overly-critical.
Broken engagement.
These are the themes that have interwoven themselves throughout my life. They all relate to one another and I accept them for what they are. I can honestly say that I've always felt an unease in myself - like the world's always been on my shoulders, like I was walking around in this state of confusion - an unrested soul. It's easy to just point the figure at something and blame that for the circumstances in your life. But what does that get you? If there is one thing I learned that changed my perspective on everything - it's that you can only control yourself. It seems so simple yet so many of us what to control everything. We want to shape people into who we think they should be, we want life to always do for us what we want. We will only burn out more of ourselves by thinking in that manner.
Many shitty things happened to me along the way and changed my life forever. During those stark times, I thought I'd never leave that place. You couldn't pay me enough to go back. I see now that life can work in a twisted way but it's all for a reason. Those times ignited the things I had to heal within me. They helped me start my journey towards re-building myself as a mature woman.Over the last few years, I wrote, and read, and talked, and thought and analyzed the parts of me that hurt. I made the effort to isolate myself from the worldly things that detract us from the spirit and I took responsibility for my misplaced ideas and emotions. Like pieces of a puzzle, they were always within me to put together. I allowed myself to cry a lot. I made peace with my parents. I learned to like hanging out by myself. I "broke up" with people in my life who weren't any good for me. I forgave the boys who broke my heart. I got a Master's Degree. I allowed myself to be single for a long time. I learned to rely on myself for everything.
By no means am I completely done, but I'm accomplished. I feel like a flame is burning within me now - it's my flame of self-acceptance and understanding. I get a lot of flack for still being single but I truly feel "married" already - to myself. I don't truly think you can ever be happy with someone else or content in any realm of life without that feeling. It's not a selfish thing but it's an authentic thing. It's about understanding your boundaries and values and always upholding them in any life situation. It's about not caring what other people think or do - you can't control that. It's about truly living from who you are within and not getting tied up with the ego that constantly nags at you with it's negative messages. It's the complete surrender to life - knowing that at the end of the day you may desire certain things but you don't truly NEED anything more than yourself. Contentment.
Here's to a new chapter - the writing may be the same but the style...completely different.
:)
