Yup. I know something's on my mind and well, that I'm not listening to myself when I can't sleep. the manifestation of "anxiety" or that "weird" feeling that I get is always the culprit. It's not a racing thought sort of thing...it's the thing that happens when my soul wants to go in one direction and my ego finds enough reasons to stay in the same place. Perhaps that's where the anxiety stems from - the struggle between my inner truth and my outer ego. I've been here before but it's different this time. I have experience under my belt...and I get it.
Every time you let someone into your life - I feel it's for a reason. There's karma you have to work out through the relationship...whether it be friendship, working together, romance, family...ect. I finally understand where my relationship "anxiety" or "preoccupation" stems from. It's really a subconscious thing. I'm sure most people would just ignore it or compartimentalize it or whatever. For me, it weighs heavily until I can figure it out, bring the emotion it bears into the light, deal with it, and move on. It's the desire for self-understanding...the desire to work through that karma in order to move on to the next level of Self. This anxiety-type feeling or whatever you want to call it -it's a tough thing to define-is at the subconscious level. It's deeply rooted and probably stems from infancy. For many years, I wanted to always blame myself for feeling like this...why couldn't I just be okay? What is this painful feeling? Why can't I just not have emotions? It's like I attempted to just shut off this instinctual reaction. I guess now that I understand why and where this is coming from, my question is how do I deal with this? Can you change this attachment? Or at least, how do I work with it?
I think it's about knowing how you want to feel. It's one thing to be okay on your own but we all desire relationships, especially romantical ones. The energy of someone else will always enmesh with your own and I think it's about finding the energy that compliments rather than irritates your own. The funny thing is, most people end up in relationships of irritational energy and attachment. Opposites attract. However, we often don't feel that irritation until after we're already invested and attached. It's such a peculiar phenomenon. I think for me, the question is how do I end that pattern?
I recently listened to something on the internet that talked about manifestation. It's has to do with changing those accumulated pattern of thoughts by replacing them with how you want to feel and what you do want...then imagining that you already have it deep down at the soul level. In a way, I guess it's like being the person you would want in your life and doing the things that honor you. It's clarifying those feelings to a tee and understanding that you CAN get it and taking action about it on a soul level. (Kind of like the Secret, I suppose.) The biggest difference is the fact that you have to truly feel how you want to feel consistently instead of just telling the universe what you think you want or need. It's looking back in your memories for a time when you felt that way and rekindling that feeling into the present....knowing that it's always been there and can be there with someone else.
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