HERE's where the fun begins...

It's EXISTENTIAL crisis time! That's right, folks. Line up to hear about my most recent life drama, which seems to cycle every few weeks. Now, there's nothing seriously wrong with me psychologically. Clearly if I admit my issues and put it out there for all to read, then I'm quite normal. I know this is a blog about love and relationships; I suppose this could count under the relationship with oneself and life in general.

Ever since the winter started, I feel like this year has been the most draining, negative and overall craptastic time that I've had...ever. Clearly people, I'm a bit negative. Negative is so easy or some reason. I'll blame all the damn Virgo in my birth chart. Seriously, I've dug myself into this hibernation hole wrapped up in a blanket of pessimism (and ice cream / potato chips.) That's just it though. I rationally know that it's been my own mind and thinking that has led me to act like a Negative Nancy. It's just way too complicated to merely say - think positive! That's such a damn joke to me. Any who - I clearly admit that my current state is a recipe of anger mixed in with emotional blahness and most likely an overtaxed central nervous system. A lot of that has to do with the current group of kids that I have to "teach" everyday. I take things personally and I cannot ignore the effects of emotional stress that this year has placed upon me. I wish I was one of those people that could just let things go and be fine. I'm not. It weighs on my heart and soul and with my inability to truly regulate and deal with that stress....it numbs me and clearly makes me miserable. Yes, I know, I need to channel that reality and learn to harness it better. That's what I plan to focus on. As a passionate and emotional person with a slight streak of perfectionism, it's not a do-in-one-day type of task.

This brings me to my current frustration with the one thing I love to do in life - work out. I feel like I've put myself into this shitty cage again where I feel like I am working out more for a "number" rather than for the pleasure and grit of it. I'm tired of going into the gym after a long day of teaching and musical rehearsal and not even being able to warm up properly because I have a "time limit". I'm sick of doing all these damn tests and feeling like I constantly have to measure up and compete against everyone else. Do I have a competitive streak in me? Of course but it's not my main reason for being. I love working out for a higher reason - to make me feel good, to let go of the shit from the day, and to overcome the challenges of MY mind. I feel like I have let so much of that go because I'm now just a "number". There's just this fakeness to it all. I don't feel the motivation that I used to. Sometimes, you need it from someone other than yourself - that's why I'm there. I'm so sick of doing these damn workouts that I could do at any regular gym, too. It all just boils up and with my inability to deal with stress in the first place, I have been ending up not even going in because I feel like it adds to my neuroses. I've been here before though. I know part of it is for me to change my outlook. I'm just tired, I'm just worn out, and I feel like people don't get that. I'm just expected to suck it up. Plus, I'm so sick of hearing, discussing and worrying about weight, body image, diets and food. I'm just not doing it anymore - anyway you look at it, whether is just part of your training or whatever, it's ludicrous to me. You can look good and not have to be insane about it. I'm soooo soooo tired of it. I'm not restricting and I'm not gonna try to starve myself to get "cut" and then end up gaining it all back because you binge on all the food you restrict yourself from. It's completely unhealthy to me and like I've found out before, it just screws with my mind more than anything. I always think I have something to prove by trying to do it - and I don't. It makes me miserable. It's so funny to me - you look at all these models, body builders and figure girls who are ripped (most of them on some type of gear, anyhow) and you would think they are the epitome of health. After you compete, if you have the self-control hopefully you don't go nuts but most people do and then it sparks this completely unhealthy relationship with food. I am so sick of it and I can't do it. I wasn't made for it - it's not worth it to me. In my mind, I question what good does that do for the world?  I'd much rather work on my balance in life and focus on my soul  so I can be out there making a difference somehow rather than living in my hole.

Jay Sull - you are right when you say I over analyze and over think things. However, it's just how I roll for the good and the bad. I feel metacognitive analysis is the key to finding inner balance. Most things just need to be figured out, in my opinion. Hmm. Maybe I need to better discern those things that just aren't worth the work and accept them for what they are. Crap, I'm sounding like some type of AA mantra.

People, I know the answers to all this lies within me. It's just good to let it all out. I think sometimes you just go through this period of life where you swallow everything up - you can't open up, you can't quite describe what you are going through to anyone. So, you just close the door on yourself until you eventually implode and have to make some major changes. I feel kinda better. I think I'm going to go clean and press and then actually clean. My apartment.