Saturday, March 5, 2011
To be fair...
1. Call. Call her what?
2. Don't lie. Even in reference to 6, 7 and 14?
3. Never tape any of her body parts together. What about handcuffs?
4. If guys' night out is going to be fun, invite the girls. Of course! Just not her....
5. If guys' night out is going to involve strippers, remember the zoo rules: No Petting. Pettings not the problem. Its f.....
6. The correct answer to "Do I look fat?" is never, ever "Yes." See (2)
7. Ditto for "Is she prettier than me?" Ditto.
8. Victoria's Secret is good. Frederick's of Hollywood is bad. Don't worry. I _never_ keep secrets!
9. Ordering for her is good. Telling her what she wants is bad. Ok, then. I won't tell her what I'm ordering for her.
10. Being attentive is good. Stalking is bad. The question here, is however, being attentive to what?
The low neckline, or....
11. "Honey", "Darling", and "Sweetheart" are good. "Nag", Lardass", and "Bitch" are bad. Ok. Got it sorted out now, my nagging Lardass.Um... I got it the wrong way round again, didn't I?
12. Talking is good. Shouting is bad. Slapping is a felony. Kind of depends on what or _where_ your slapping, doesn't it? ;-)
13. A grunt is seldom an acceptable answer to any question. Hmph.
14. None of your ex-girlfriends were ever nicer, prettier, or anything-er. Again, see (2)
15. Her cooking is excellent. Great! I love, errr, really well done steaks.....
16. That isn't an excuse for you to avoid cooking. My cooking taste like something buried under a cesspool for 200 years._That_ is an excuse to avoid it...
17. Dish soap is your friend. Engine grease is too.
18. Hat does not equal shower, aftershave does not equal soap, and warm does not equal clean. I have a shower once a week, whether I need it or not.
19. Buying her dinner does not equal foreplay. Buying her a beer does.
20. Answering "Who was that on the phone?" with "Nobody" is never going to end that conversation. Answering it with "My other Girlfriend" won't either.
21. Ditto for "Whose lipstick is this?" My cousin's.. He loves drag...
22. Two words: clean socks. Yep. Got myself a pair of those. I'm saving them for a special occasion.
23. Believe it or not, you're probably not more attractive when you're drunk. Don't be ridiculous. That white nosed elephant joke always cracks my mates up!
24. Burping is not sexy. Neither is farting. Which would you prefer?
25. You're wrong. See (2) ;-)
26. You're sorry. Yes. But I'll still do it again, next time...
27. She is probably less impressed by your discourse on your cool car than you think she is. Nonsense. Every babe loves to hear us guys talk about the new carburetor we've just installed. And the way my mate cleaned and rebored that 28 IDA webber is just amazing. Using nothing but 90 proof, and his girls best blouse, he managed to get out all the grease that was clogging the jets. But you oughta see the way my brothers Rotary goes! He's just modified the exhaust into a freeflow system, with 4 cobies! He gets around another 30 horses from that one! It's hittin' near supersonic now. We're going to try retool the turbo. It's leaning out a little too much now at eight grand.. The freeflows creating a vacuum. When we get that down, boy, you wouldn't believe it! Hey! Wait! Where you going! I'm _really_ sorry, you know? (see 26)
28. Ditto for your discourse on football. Mate! Did you see Jona Lomu on that last try! Ran right _through_ the Springboks defence! They just couldn't stop him! I hear the wankers going to shift to league, soon, ya know... Hey! Look, I said I'm sorry! I'm not talking about cars any more, am I?
29. Ditto for your ability to jump up and hit any awning in a single bound. In that case, I've just gone up a weight at the gym. I'm benching about 140kg's, now, you know. Wanna see my biceps? (Also another rendition of "Foreplay")
30. "Will you marry me?" is good. "Let's shack up together" is bad. See above.
31. Don't assume PMS is the cause for every bad mood. Of course it doesn't. Just most of them.
32. Don't assume PMS doesn't exist. Yes. Every day of the month.
33. No means No. Yes means Yes. Silence could mean anything she feels like at that particular moment in time, and it could change without notice. No means "Ask me again." Yes means "Lets not waste any time then". Silence means she's probably walked out on you again during your discourse on cars...
34. "But, we kiss..." is not justification for using her toothbrush. You don't clean plaque with your tongue.
Not a problem. Haven't brushed my teeth in years.
35. Never let her walk anywhere alone after 11pm. What? Alone at 11pm? She should be at home in bed. My bed.
36. Chivalry and feminism are NOT mutually exclusive. But chivalry's not as much fun as "chauvinism"
37. Pick her up at the airport. Don't whine about it, just do it. Then remind her for the rest of the week about what a big favour you did her.
38. If you want to break up with her, break up with her. Don't act like a complete jerk until she does it for you. Get your best friend to call her up for you.
39. Don't tell her you love her if you don't. Unless you haven't scored yet.
40. Tell her you love her if you do. Often. Until you've scored.
41. Always, always suck up to her brother. Always avoid her father.
42. Think boxers. "And the way Hollyfield threw that uppercut! Knocked Tyson clean out of the
game! Like a baby! What a match... Hey! Where you going?"
43. Silk boxers. Silk Boxers? Is _that_ what you call those pansy women boxers these days?
44. Remember Valentine's Day, and any cheesy "anniversary" she so-names. As long as she remembers the day that George Foreman scored his first KO.
45. Don't try to change the way she dresses. Just get her to wear less.
46. Her haircut is never bad. Just try and convince yourself that the "birds nest and mop" look is in.
47. Don't let your friends pick on her. Don't let any other guys get near her.
48. Call. Collect.
49. Don't lie. See (2)
50. The rules are never fair. Accept this without question. The fact that she has to go through labor while you sit in the waiting room on your ass smoking cigars isn't fair either, and it balances everything else. Oh, no! I'd be in there with her, keeping up her spirits, by telling her just what I was doing on the cars manifold for the first five hours of labour....
:)
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment