"You're supernatural...extraterrestrial"

VALUES AND SELF ESTEEM AS ADULTS

    MEN 

• A man's sense of self is defined through his ability to achieve results, through success and accomplishment. Achieve goals and prove his competence and feel good about himself.

• To feel good about himself, men must achieve goals by themselves. 

• For men, doing things by themselves is a symbol of efficiency, power and competence.

• In general, men are more interested in objects and things rather than people and feelings.

• Men rarely talk about their problems unless they are seeking "expert" advice; asking for help when you can do something yourself is a sign of weakness.

• Men are more aggressive than women; more combative and territorial.

• Men's self esteem is more career-related.

• Men feel devastated by failure and financial setbacks; they tend to obsess about money much more than women

• Men hate to ask for information because it shows they are a failure.

   WOMEN

• Women value love, communication, beauty and relationships.

• A woman's sense of self is defined through their feelings and the quality of their relationships. They spend much time supporting, nurturing and helping each other. They experience fulfillment through sharing and relating.

• Personal expression, in clothes and feelings, is very important. Communication is important. Talking, sharing and relating is how a woman feels good about herself.

• For women, offering help is not a sign of weakness but a sign of strength; it is a sign of caring to give support.

• Women are very concerned about issues relating to physical attractiveness; changes in this area can be as difficult for women as changes in a man's financial status.

• When men are preoccupied with work or money, women interpret it as rejection.

OTHER DIFFERENCES 

• Men are more logical, analytical, rational.

• Women are more intuitive, holistic, creative, integrative.

• Men have a much more difficult time relating to their own feelings, and may feel very threatened by the expression of feelings in their presence. This may cause them to react by withdrawing or attempting to control the situation through a display of control and/or power.

• Men are actually more vulnerable and dependent on relationships than women are and are more devastated by the ending, since they have fewer friends and sources of emotional support.

• Men are more at ease with their own angry feelings than women are.

• Women are in touch with a much wider range of feelings than men, and the intensity of those feelings is usually much greater for women than men. As a result of this, many man perceive that women's feelings appear to change quickly; men may find this irrational and difficult to understand.

• Men tend to be more functional in approaching problem-solving; women are aesthetically-oriented in addition to being functional.

• Women tend to be much more sensitive to sounds and smells than men are; and women as such tend to place a greater emphasis on "atmosphere". 

CONFLICTS WHICH ARISE DUE TO BASIC DIFFERENCES 

• The most frequent complain men have about women:  Women are always trying to change them.

• The most frequent complaint women have about men: Men don't listen.

• Women want empathy, yet men usually offer solutions.

• When a woman tries to change or improve or correct or give advice to a man, men hear that they are being told that they aren't competent or don't know how to do something or that they can't do something on their own.

• Men often feel responsible or to blame for women's problems.

• Men always assume women want advice and solutions to problems, that that is the best way to be helpful and to show love; women often just want someone to sincerely listen to them.

• Housework: men avoid it, try to get others to do it at all costs, feel demeaned by doing it. For women, cleanliness of house is a manifestation of warm, homey nest. Men and women have different thresholds for cleanliness and dirt.

• Men often try to change a woman's mood when she is upset by offering solutions to her problems, which she interprets as discounting and invalidating her feelings.

• Women try to change men's behavior by offering unsolicited advice and criticism and becoming a home-improvement committee.

HOW TO WORK WITH THESE DIFFERENCES 

• When women are upset, it is not the time to offer solutions, though that may be appropriate at a future time when she is calmed down.

• A man appreciates advice and criticism when it is requested. Men want to make improvements when they feel they are being approached as a solution to a problem rather than as the problem itself.

• Men have great needs for status and independence (emphasis on separate and different); women have needs for intimacy and connection (emphasis on close and same).

• Women need to receive caring, understanding, respect, devotion, validation, and reassurance.

• Women are motivated when they feel special or cherished.

• Men need to receive trust, acceptance, appreciation, admiration, approval, encouragement.

• Men are motivated when they feel needed.   A man's deepest fear is that he is not good enough or not competent enough, though he may never express this.

SUMMARY

• There are major, significant differences between men and women.

• The differences are different, NOT better or worse.  Do not judge the differences.  Do not try to change the differences.   Do not try to make them go away.

• These are generalizations! Individual differences exist; we all have some of these qualities.

• To get along, you MUST accept, expect and respect these differences.

• Be sure to remember these differences when communication about anything important, when expressing care and concern, and when solving conflicts.